4 Tips to get along with those who have borderline
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is characterized by a pattern of generalized instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and affectivity of the person, and marked impulsivity. For psychiatry, someone is diagnosed with this disorder, the presence of a series of behaviors is required; by the criteria of the American Psychiatric Association, at least five of the following (1):
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment: for example, when someone threatens to leave the person with borderline, he reacts with promises to avoid abandonment, when it does not reach its goal, it continues to try through threats
- Unstable and intense pattern of interpersonal relationships, in which one person idealizes to the extreme to another, in a positive sense and, at another moment, (usually when frustrated) it totally devalues it: in one moment the person is seen as an angel and in another, as a demon
- at one time is considered genial and, in the other, stupid. Likewise, self-perception of the person is also unstable.
- People with borderline often engage impassively in behaviors that bring or can cause serious harm, such as excessive spending, promiscuous sex, substance abuse, reckless vehicle and compulsive eating episodes. Suicidal thoughts and attempts or suicide threats are also common, as are self-mutilation behaviors (eg, self-mutilation).
- Behind these behaviors there is a pronounced reactivity of mood in a variety of situations that easily arouse intense dysphoria ( "bad mood"), irritability or anxiety. These mood swings are usually brief, lasting hours or, rarely, days. Episodes of disproportionate or unreasonable anger can occur with temperamental attacks that can be associated with recurrent physical conflicts.
- A frequent symptom is a constant feeling of emptiness, with descriptions that nothing is pleasing, nothing matters, and nothing is motivating.
- In situations of stress, the person may have ideas that he is being persecuted or present dissociative behaviors characterized by a loss of connection with surrounding reality or loss of attachment to one's own emotions and thoughts. For example, when you are overwhelmed by excessive problems, you will behave as if everything is fine and deny that there is any problem. It is believed that it is not a conscious negation, but problems and negative thinking and emotions simply cease to exist in the mind of the person, through a process of avoidance, of eliminating consciousness about them.
How to deal with borderline people?
Because of all this instability and tendencies towards aggression towards others and towards oneself, it is difficult to deal with someone who loves and has borderline.
There is no "cake recipe" to deal with someone with borderline, but there are a few pointers that can help:
1 . Do not take it personally.
Try not to take anything a borderline person says on the personal side, because what he or she says may have other functions that do not hurt you, such as avoiding a sensitive subject (remember that the person with borderline needs a lot to feel loved) or simply give vent to some frustration.
On the other hand, this does not mean that you should never give attention to what the borderline disorderer says because, although often unable to express himself adequately, his criticisms may be true: it is difficult, but try to analyze with fairness what you hear - and if the criticisms are pertinent, do not forget that changing your own behavior can be a good example for the person with borderline.
2. Clarity Always
Be clear on what to ask the person with this disorder: Brief, less emotionally charged, and objective messages often facilitate communication. Sermons and arguments, on the other hand, can increase irritation and lead to fruitless discussions or even aggressions.
3. Act coherently
Be consistent and consistent in what you expect from the borderline individual: what you approve or disapprove of can not be constantly changing as this tends to increase the instability of the relationship. If today you find acceptable behavior, do not punish her for the same behavior tomorrow, and if something is unacceptable now, it should not be any different in an hour.
Exemplifying: If your borderline daughter is pressuring you to buy something for her and you think she should not, stand firm to the end, otherwise you will get the message that if she presses enough, you change your mind and you lose your authority completely. On the other hand, logically, everyone can change their minds and, as I wrote above, sometimes it is even good to admit that you were wrong.
4. Know Your Limits
Know Your Own Limits and Establish Them: No matter how much you love someone, go beyond your own limits, and bring suffering to yourself, it can negatively interfere with your relationship with the person with borderline. Excessive dedication and patience, beyond your limits, can lead to anger and aggression on your part or even to complete discouragement that will keep you from continuing to help.
Borderline and crisis situations
In crisis situations of anger, aggression, or self-assault, try to keep in mind that your loved one has a problem over which he or she does not have complete control and also suffers greatly from it. This can reduce your feelings of anger and frustration and help you deal with the crisis.
Each crisis may have different characteristics and backgrounds, and you will probably need professional guidance to learn how to deal with them better. In fact, in this respect, it is important that you be treated by a psychotherapist, both to learn to deal better with your loved one and to take care of yourself.
Finally, it is not enough to learn how to deal with acute crises more , understanding their origins, seek to prevent them: personality disorders do not have a cure properly, but it is entirely possible that by providing a suitable environment and by learning to deal with the person with borderline, it has long periods of improvement and, over time, the problems are getting softer.
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