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Abusive relationships: how to recognize and what to do

Abusive relationships: how to recognize and what to do

The subject abusive relationship has often been present in the sessions or even in the readings and conversations. This ancient and historical subject has been so much talked about and mentioned now, because it is not possible anymore to keep to oneself and to be silent in the face of so many experiences around it.

To talk about it is not "mimimi", it is educational, fundamental and a public health issue. It's a great chance to learn about and defend yourself in these situations and give yourself the chance to be yourself. Many people find themselves in these relationships because they have never had a chance to read, hear and talk about it, just follow the social and cultural taboos and rules that life imposes and believe they should stay there.

What is an abusive relationship?

An abusive relationship is any and all relationship where one person exerts excessive and continuous power over the other person, generating in the other a dependency, imprisonment, fear, insecurity and fear of being himself and preventing him from somehow this other can express itself and act for itself.

This does not happen only with couples, but it can happen between parents and children, among siblings, friends or even in the work environment and is characterized by control detrimental to the physical , psychological, cultural, financial, patrimonial, social, gender and sexuality.

It is very important to know that not every abusive relationship necessarily has to do with a relationship, will suffer physical aggression or gross insult of profanity. Many relationships go unnoticed and with social, cultural and even religious support, because they rely on what they understand and call love and moral values.

The abusive relationship has been part of our culture for many generations and has been taught to children since early through tapas, cries, offenses and actions that are morally justified. That phrase, "I do not know why I am beating, but he knows why he is being beaten?" It is a great example of this. Our culture preaches that he who is caught or humiliated has asked for it and deserves such punishment. has the power to beat, curse, humiliate, point, criticize, belittle, and diminish the other is intelligent, heroic, strong, powerful and is just fulfilling his role as a "good person" in society.

A person with abusive attitudes often does not even realize that their attitudes are harmful, possibly because they have probably gone through it or witnessed such learning, that is, most of the times they are people who we value as good, with good values ​​and general attitudes that are considered healthy, but at the same time they are engaging, knowledgeable and easy to manipulate the other to their truths, because they truly believe they are right, so they do not see or understand that there is evil or prejudice in their acts and words, on the contrary the other is that it is ungrateful, problematic, immoral and that unlikely another person would love him so much.

Our culture not only accepts an abusive relationship as common, but still supports abusive structures romanticizing abuse, power overgrowth, and differences between genders, social classes, and position in the family. Often we watch soap operas, movies or listen to stories of relationships where excessive jealousy, manipulation in the name of passion, invasive and persecutory acts are accepted and understood in the name of love or God and thus an abusive relationship is understood from an early age that must be not only supported, but desired and admired.

It is important to stress that an abusive relationship does not occur only on the part of men, although in most cases the complaints are linked to them and possibly due to the social cultural context that we live. But there are many extremely abusive women, friends, sisters and mothers who in the name of their idea of ​​love or of what they understand as good exert their abusive and harmful power over each other.

Recognize that you are in an abusive relationship in most Sometimes it is not easy, because as I mentioned we are so used to living with these actions and customs and even believe that this is love, that a person can stay a whole life in this relationship and not realize that is being abusive or abused. Something needs to be drawn to a certain strangeness, and from then on it may come to question its structure of life and relationship. Not to mention that recognizing that you are in this situation also involves a delicate personal conflict, it is very difficult to perceive that you placed yourself, accepted and stayed in this place. People often judge for it and suffer from this recognition, and so they can resist very much at the outset, out of shame and confusion of ideas and taboos.

In most cases you need help from someone outside the relationship, a known that the person relies to gradually reflect, listening, speaking and then being able to perceive what happens to them and their relationship (hence the extreme importance of talking more and more about this topic).

This is exactly why abusive people tend to create impediments so that their partners, children, friends or employees do not have other deep contacts and relationships. They end up generating disputes, ask to choose between one or the other, create scenes that devalue and accuse this other, because they fear that their submissive will eventually widen their gaze and review their place in the relationship.

When to end an abusive relationship? in an abusive relationship does not always mean the end or separation, if both parties are open to talking, listening, listening and reflecting on the structure of their relationship, they can learn and create a possibility of a new, healthier relationship. But this does not depend on goodwill or beautiful words and love, nor even from religious context. For this to happen, both must come to the conclusion that their relationship is harmful to both sides and so they understand that something needs to be revised and modified. The most difficult here is this awareness happening at the same time to both sides. Usually one side (more common, the submissive side) realizes before and needs to build change possibilities before it's too late. And the other side instead of following up, it becomes more aggressive or conflicted, because it fears to lose their relation and resists to consider their responsibility in history, reinforcing still more their habits.

Many ask me when and they must finish and I I will never dare to say, because as a psychoanalyst, I understand that saying what a person should or should not do is an invasive and extremely arrogant act that suggests that I (or anyone else) knows more about your life than yourself. If you know that you are in an abusive relationship, you suffer from it and still have doubts about what to do, we are not talking about your relationship with the other, but your relationship with yourself. Is it worth thinking about what will make you accept, understand and stay in this place in your life?

What would it be to end? Was it to leave or put the other out of your life? Perhaps this is the solution for some, but for other people to finish it would be to put an end to this submissive place and learn to reposition itself in life with more power over itself, barring the abuse of the other and putting limits on the interferences of others about themselves What I can suggest is that you are suffering, you feel less, you are insecure, you believe that you should be grateful to the other for caring for or staying with you, if you are fighting, if the actions of the other humiliate and demean you , so pay attention, it's possibly in an abusive relationship.

Think about yourself:

What do you look for or expect when you are in a relationship?

Does your relationship bring you to this?

Do you feel capable, productive, and sure of being yourself or dependent on others to take your decisions?

Are you afraid of losing the other and so give up your pleasures?

  • This answer can help you reflect on what is happening to you and also what you can do. If you are very difficult or very scared, do not know how to do it, seek help from someone you know and trust, but especially from a professional, to talk and listen.

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