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Fear of love may be a consequence of past experiences
When we talk or think about love, the idea of good feelings comes to mind. We associate with pleasure, excitement, smiles, care, caring, desire, trust, offer and receive something. We also think about movies, stories and songs that usually collaborate with this idea. But this is not always the way it happens - there are people who, in thinking about love, feel the reverse, such as anguish, disappointment, anger, contempt, indifference and fear.
The concepts we form about love in our lives are directly linked to experiences we have had since birth. Love comes very early in our life and happens through experiences of growth, through food, shelter, protection. The failure of these experiences (be it the lack of care or the way of care), the existence of aggression or even overprotection are movements that can influence and determine how we will relate in our lives. The form we love or not and the way we are willing to receive love or not have a structural basis already in existence since the earliest childhood in our lives. And that is why there is such a difficulty to act in a concrete or technical way, because it depends not only on knowing or not knowing, doing or not doing, but on something that is much more intimate and profound:
Love and lack are two highly connected points. That's because we can only really love when we can desire something or someone. Therefore, in order to love, it is first necessary to feel the lack, or even to dream about, to create ideas and expectations in order to try to construct or repeat possibilities in which that person becomes important. In order to love and be loved one must know how to deal with the frustrations of life, to open spaces, to face their fears and to create expectations, to desire the other in their satisfaction.
This love we have for the other is in truth a love we have first ourselves. What we admire, desire, excite and build in the other is nothing more than a way of fulfilling our personal desires, that is, of accomplishing ourselves. It is important to emphasize that this is not a conscious process, on the contrary, this love situation is usually the result of the unconscious, and even if we know a lot about our desires, we will hardly have complete control of them. So we can understand that if there is a lack of love, a difficulty in relating, trusting, offering and receiving affection, it is probably a result of the lack of love for oneself, or of the confusion that has formed about loving and to be loved.
The factors that lead one not to desire another person are diverse, it is very intimate and particular for each person. But here we can think of some life situations, such as people who have not had or do not have the experience of lack. When a person did not need or need to chase after someone to be cared for, he tends not to bother to learn to strive, overcome or conquer. Usually they are people who have been overprotected and have not developed in their growth an exchange of attitudes that represents a relationship - only the idea that the other should serve. There are people who have been or are so exalted by parents or their environment, and therefore do not develop the ability to look at another as an exchange. So that person is enough, knows what he wants, does not have to waste time with another person or only allows a specific person to meet his needs, then no one else will serve. Usually they are arrogant people who make a point of preaching to the four corners of the world how self-sufficient they are, but in fact we can also say that they are fearful people, because they have not learned to trust or to find, outside their bubble, resources to relate, to trust themselves in the moment of making exchanges with the environment. They do not relate so as not to run the risk of losing their place of prominence.
There are also the reverse cases where the person has experienced clearly bad experiences in life, such as aggressions, rigidity, abuse or lack of basic care. These people grow up with a fear installed in themselves, as if it were a natural protection system. Bad experiences get caught up in memory (even if there is no memory) so she can protect herself. This hinders the process of trusting the other because she has learned that the medium does not bring her something good. They are people who can be very aggressive, beat, rape and do not show affection, because they do not want the other to remain close in their life, since this presence gives them anguish, and in their fantasy believes it is better to attack before being attacked . It is also worth remembering that there may be an inverse reaction, that is, the fear of reliving bad experiences. This makes the person unconsciously make some wrong love choices. And again and again relive the bad scenes in your life, almost purposely, reinforcing so that the medium is unreliable and that it is better to stay away and not to relate.
Other situations: the fear of rejection. People who do not trust themselves will have difficulty exposing themselves to the environment because they do not believe they are good enough and have not learned that they can generate interest in the environment for themselves. These people have an abandoned and unbelieving US in their values. There is also the fear of succeeding, an unconscious boycott of itself happens to people who fantasize at an early age who can not be better than others, that happiness will cause bad things, like jealousy and envy, or that it will not be fair to others who failed to achieve this achievement. They carry intense guilt and conflict because they do not know what to do or how to stay in a better life situation. This anguish causes the abandonment of love relationships, for it does not allow itself to look at the world and desire something of it. Anyone who lives in this situation usually finds charitable disguises to justify themselves, such as caring for the family, and arrests their personal desires by boycotting their chances of relationships.
As you can see, there are many possibilities for fear of loving and life history of each person will always be the answer to understand. But there is a point in common among all possibilities: that fears connected with love actually represent a person's lack of confidence in himself, that is, whether there is indeed love within him or even in how deal with or lead this love. And thinking in this way, we can understand that no one can give what he does not have, or who does not know what he has, because he does not know where he is or how to do!
And not knowing about love itself, is not knowing about it of existence itself and there is no greater anguish than this in life!
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