Partner does not want marriage does not always mean lack of love
A couple does not always agree on everything. Often one partner in a relationship dreams of getting married and the other does not even want to think about setting foot in the church or the notary's office. Yes, this happens and is more common than many imagine! Although they have enjoyed each other and been together for some time, it is common for one side of the couple not to have the same interest in marrying as the other. And this does not necessarily mean that you do not love or have no plans for that relationship. It is, I know, a confusing idea, but I hope to be able to clarify or broaden the reflections on the following topic.
The origin of the marriage
Socially we came from a context in which the relations existed by political movements, establish business and ensure a social purpose in people's lives. To marry was a negotiation and a social obligation, it was not considered the desire, the love and feelings in this arrangement, this was not a marriage.
Times changed and relationships too. In this way, personal and sentimental choice began to gain strength and be fundamental in human relationships. People began to seek their relationships through feelings, identifications, desires and particular plans for a future. However, they still carry with them some historical taboos and often do not realize that they end up just repeating certain patterns. It is the case of marriage, which usually becomes a source of confusion, for even with so many changes of habits and ideas many couples are still faced with crises when they arrive at this point, being haunted by the ghost of obligation. , about to rise on the altar, do not know how to answer why they are getting married. And when questioned, they answer something similar to "because we are marrying", "because we have been dating for a long time", "because everyone has already married", "to have children", "because I dream about the church and the party" or "because my family wants it."
In these responses we do not really see a conscience about marriage! And this lack of awareness suggests an absence of a real desire, that is, we speak of fantasies and repetitions of social patterns and even if the bride and groom love each other, it seems that love gives way to obligation, ends up lacking interaction between reason and emotion. It is common to use as a discourse that love is what unites us. I do not disagree with the importance of this point, but we do not, in fact, choose or remain with anyone solely through loving feelings. Several studies show that we are attracted to the other person both by primitive, sexual, and procreative desires (physical attraction) as well as by the structure that that person portrays to us, ie, his / her personality and culture. We seek, even if unconsciously in the other, to fulfill or satisfy our particular needs. And this is the point of the conflict, for the fact that we like and be with someone for some time with that person does not mean that both parties want to marry!
Why marry or not to marry?
Many relationships in our lives are transient (independent of time), since they are based on the only interest in satisfying their personal need (both sexual and also to have a partnership in certain moments of life). Through this, it is very common for couples to stay side by side for years and enjoy this accommodation, but have no interest in a future construction. And it is this point that deserves attention!
Not having an interest in getting married does not mean that the partner does not love or have sincere affection for the other party. What may be happening is that these two people live different moments of life or even have quite opposite historical references on the subject. There are people (both men and women) who grow up seeking, wishing, or imitating the dream of a marriage. Just as there are those who understand marriage as a difficult and stress-generating or imprisoning environment and therefore seek to avoid or delay as much as they can reach this stage of life.This divergence of time and also the ways of seeing life from different angles are fundamental bases to be considered in a joint and long-term decision, as is the proposal of marriage. I am not withdrawing the importance of love or feelings, on the contrary, I am adding other angles that deserve attention, reflection and dialogue of the couple. And they can help in a happy ending, whether or not they are going to marry.
It does not take much effort to see if there is a disagreement in the couple on this matter. It is enough to notice the reaction of the other when the subject arises. The jokes that suggest the idea of being trapped, wearing leash, losing life and fun, are moves that show that person is not in favor of the idea, at least not at the moment. It is also worth noting the engagements, which have no date for the wedding and can last for years and even decade! This need to postpone or not talk about it clearly shows that one side is not very comfortable with the plan or even does not want to do this step, even if you really like it.
Contrary to what many people say , living together is not necessarily rolling or postponing marriage. Often it is marriage itself, but it becomes lighter because it is free from social and family pressures. Living together has already united many people and many have become married like this. Living the joint experience they lose their fear and make room for a marriage. But like everything else in life, we should not believe that living together works for everyone, because that does not happen. That is, there are cases where living together may not firm the relationship.
There is no technique or form or time to marry. What exists are two different people, but with points in common, so they have come closer and demonstrate that they want to be together. These two people, with their feelings and visions about life, personal, family and professional, should openly question, talk often and thus form opinions about plans and future desires, understanding each other. It is this day to day that will answer yes or no!
During the courtship, much can be answered and is used to analyze the future of that couple. Example: when one of the parties lives talking about how their marriage ceremony will be, how many children they will have, what their home will be like, etc., this person is saying that they intend to marry and seek a partnership to complete this desire or idea. Just as when one party is ridiculing, making jokes that belittle a marriage, or thinks only of costs, values, loss of liberty, then this person is saying that he does not see marriage as good and may not be something he wants in his life
Usually the greatest conflict occurs because the couple ignores these messages about their differences of ideas and moment of life and yet they continue to make plans with each other, ignoring the differences, believing that in some time the other will change! Since then we can already say that there is no firm proposal, not so healthy or with chances to work, even if they get married. Marriage is a sentimental contract and also practical signed and desired by both parties. So it is necessary for the two sides to put the contract together, with actual data obtained from the conversations and the attitudes that they see each other and the needs of both parties.
A good and forward-looking relationship happens when both parties dream together and share a tune of ideas and desires. When life projects do not coincide or are not in the same time, it is very likely that the relationship will suffer conflicts and even if they love each other, this is not a guarantee of marriage or happiness. Maybe some questions to ask, who to think about getting married are:
Who am I?
- Where do I want to go?
- - Why would I marry?
After asking these questions, you can exchange the answers and analyze. This tends to prevent someone from getting hurt or frustrated.
Getting married can be very good. And, believe me, it can work right the first time! There are many cases confirming this success and perhaps what all these have in common is the existence of the two sides signing the contract with a similar interest, a harmony of wishes and projects. To be in tune is not to want the same things or to agree with the other, but it is necessary that both parties feel that they are gaining or adding the plans of life and not fulfilling a request or fulfilling a stage of life. couples, boyfriends, and married couples too, look for each other to always talk and take their plans for life. Try to seek the respect and existence of the two in the relationship. Observe your feelings and also the practical goals of the present and future life. Reflecting on whether the marriage will work or whether the time is right or not can help them understand some conflicts and find solutions.
I hope you are happy!
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is characterized by a pattern of generalized instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and affectivity of the person, and marked impulsivity. For psychiatry, someone is diagnosed with this disorder, the presence of a series of behaviors is required; by the criteria of the American Psychiatric Association, at least five of the following (1): Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment: for example, when someone threatens to leave the person with borderline, he reacts with promises to avoid abandonment, when it does not reach its goal, it continues to try through threats Unstable and intense pattern of interpersonal relationships, in which one person idealizes to the extreme to another, in a positive sense and, at another moment, (usually when frustrated) it totally devalues it: in one moment the person is seen as an angel and in another, as a demon at one time is considered genial and, in the other, stupid.
I am often approached by patients, readers and acquaintances about this subject and also about the conflicts generated by these two words: individualism and relationship. I have previously discussed in other articles an insight into the importance of the individuality of each subject and of the self to exist, so that one has the chance of a good relationship.
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